Hard to Imagine

 Kaleb's first Christmas, Gabe was sick. So sick in fact, that he was put into the hospital on Christmas Eve.. We called the Dr. in the morning and he said "Take him to the hospital NOW"... never imagining that he would be staying... but, he did.
 They admitted him with pneumonia and spent the entire day trying to get his breathing stable. He had treatment after treatment after treatment. So many treatments ... that at one point they said his heart rate was too high and, if they couldn't get his oxygen levels up and his heart rate down .. they were sending him to the ICU.
 It was an awful day. I love Christmas and here my beautiful son was sick. And, hearing the words ICU is never comforting .. especially when it involves your 3 year old.
 My husband dropped off the other two kids and came up to the hospital where he told me to leave, take a break and take the kids to my aunts for a little normalcy ... to get my mind off it all. As you can imagine, I was a mess.
 So, I did. I got myself together, drove off to pick up my kids and take them to my aunts.
Anna was so excited and I loved seeing Kaleb in his teeny first Christmas outfit.
 Only, being there with my family while my son was sick and in the hospital made me feel worse. How could I come home, and attempt to have fun while my son laid in that bed. I every time people asked my how Gabe was doing I answered with "I am sorry, I can't talk about it". Because, tears threatened to spill at the mention of his name.. There was no fun to be had. My head and heart were back in the hospital room so, I packed up my kids.. dropped them back off at my moms and went back to see my baby.

When Abigail was born.. She was born sick. She couldn't regulate her sugars on her own, She couldn't breathe or eat without help. She was pretty bad off.
 As a family we spent an entire two weeks going back and forth to the hospital. All the while, trying to parent 3 kids 6 and under. My husband was working "second shift" that kept him away from home from noon till about 1 or 2 am every day and I was battling physical and emotional pain from the birth.
 It was hard to say the least.
 I remember one day we decided to try and have a normal day. We attended a festival that we attend every year. My husbands entire family was there and we thought it would be a nice break for the kids (as well as us) .
 The entire time I was there I was anxious. I felt so guilty being out and being a family while our precious baby girl was in the hospital and hooked to tubes. I felt like the worst mother every for trying to be normal and "have fun" while my baby was being taken care of by strangers.
 Every time someone asked about her, I wept. I longed for her to be with us at the festival. I longed to have her next to my heart ... our family whole.

 Most people wouldn't think I was wrong for these two things. And, if it were one of my friends, I wouldn't either... It was perfectly acceptable for me to try and take a mental break .. to regroup for the sake of myself and my children..
 But, regrouping is one thing.  I couldn't spend any length of time away knowing the pain my children were enduring. My kids hurt and therefore, needed me and, I wanted to be there for them.
 I can not for the life of me... understand a parent staying away from their kids.. especially when they are hurting... especially when they are the source of that pain.
 I can not understand how they can go through life... starting it over and forget their kids faces. How you can smile and go on as if life before never existed? How you can lay your head down at night and not see the tears streaming from your precious babies eyes...How you couldn't want to hug them.. tell them you love them.
 I may not be much as a mother. I fail every single day. But, I want to be here to catch each tear... especially if I am the reasons for them...
 I want to be the one to hold them when they are scared and laugh when they are happy.
 I want to be there for it all.. the good and the bad because... they are little pieces of me walking around. They didn't ask to be here. We chose to bring them. They deserve to have the best of us (their parents).
 I can't imagine any one thing in this world being more important than being there for them.
 I can't imagine laying my head down every day pretending they don't exist.
 I can't imagine what kind of monster can.