Pain Changes People

And I have posted on this before but, in a lot less detail. 

I have endured a lot of pain the last five years. Emotionally that is.

It started with the birth of my youngest who, was born early and sick.

That was followed up by Postpartum depression for six months. 

Just when I started to breathe from that a bomb was dropped on me!

My husband had had an affair.

During that time while I was processing it all, I found out my dad had a "brain tumor" . And, according to the Dr. This was a very fast spreading cancer.

No one knew of my husbands affair, I couldn't tell anyone at this time. I was trying to protect him all the while, talking to my dad and he is telling me his last wishes.

Thankfully, the surgery happened and it was just a blood clot from his previous stroke!

During this time every other phone call was one that my dad was back in  the hospital. 

I was emotionally sick. 

I let this pain change me. It changed me into a person I no longer liked.

I wanted my husband to think that I was amazing. I wanted him to feel about me the way I felt about him only, I couldn't tell him how I felt.. he cheated on me. He hurt me and, I didn't feel like being nice to him.

It is devastating to find out your entire life was a lie. To find out that you were your husbands second choice.

He didn't have much sympathy for me past the first month and, I had none for him period. 

It was ugly and rocky and I hated it but, I loved him, I loved my kids and I wanted it to work. I just didn't want to work to make it work.

But, I was miserable. I didn't want to live the rest of my life that way but... felt (wrongly) that I didn't have to do the fixing HE should.

When my husband left the last time I knew it was for the last time. I felt free.. giddy even. I remember talking to a friend who had recently went through it. They told me that I was going to regret it.. offered to talk to me and my husband to tell us to work harder, try as hard as we could. That divorce was an awful place to live. 

I didn't believe it.. How could it be worse than what we were enduring. I mean, we always fought, he didn't love me and, my life was a lie.

BUT, my friend was right. I did regret it.. before the one  month mark. I wanted him back. I begged, I pleaded.. PLEASE let's go to therapy. PLEASE let's not split up our family.

My friend still offers to speak to my husband. To tell him that even tho he  has moved on with someone else,  if he could he would make his  family whole because, it was better. His kids have also suffered and he  hates it. My friend wants to shake my ex ... to tell him how much he wishes he had this chance.. to work it out, to fix it. There is no fixing it for my friend.  His ex wife is remarried, he is in a commited relationship .. but, despite that... there is regret, and new troubles and trials that no one could see while it (the divorce ) was happening. Old problems are gone but new problems have arrived.. and, he says... they are WAY worse.

My ex husband seemingly has no regrets. I have asked even as of late to go to therapy, to work on things. ..I have gained  a lot through all of this .. the insight as to my wrongs (and, I am still wrong often)... the faults in ME the insecurities that caused me to act and be a certain way.. I figured all of that out and that feels AMAZING. I am a work in progress, we all are but, It feels good to see your wrong and fix it. I have gained independence, confidence and I have seen the strength in myself.

But, as much as I have gained .. I can not say it is worth it.

There is something to be said about a parent watching their child suffer in pain..

My kids are healthy physically but , mentally... they are pained.

They miss their dad. They feel to blame for what has happened. My ex didn't just leave me when he left, he left four kids who are left to feel badly about themselves thinking it was them.

There is no telling them different. They believe it because they can see no other reason.

Dad didn't want to be with me. But, they see it as dad didn't want to be with them.

In their mind, life was amazing before. They had NO clue of our struggles. They knew one day we were happy and camping and two weeks later dad was gone... for good.

God didn't take him in death. He walked out willingly. Perfectly OK with every other weekend and a few holidays.

How can they not take it personally? I do for them and I am an adult who CAN separate the two.

I don't get when your wife says "I WILL DO ANYTHING" how you can't look at your kids tear stained cheeks and say "I WILL DO ANYTHING" too. 

I don't get how you can walk away after your baby girl clings to your leg crying, begging for you to not go and still.. walk away.

Pain changes people, that is for sure. But, watching my children's pain I fear I am changed for ever.

There is no magic pill. No matter what I lay down in front of my ex .. he stands by his decision that we are divorced and will remain that way!

 I have asked him if it was worth it. I begged him to answer that question. He told me he has no answer. It isn't worth it. All the girlfriends he can get...all the watches he can buy, all of the freedom that he sought will never EVER compare to being an actual part of their lives.

It is his loss.. yes, it is.. (I am working on blog post on this very subject) but, it is very very very much their loss.

They didn't ask for this. Sure, I deserved much of what I got (except the affair) ... but, they didn't. And, I will never understand why they had to suffer so needlessly. 

And one day... when he finally realizes that hurting me equates to hurting them.. regret will creep in. Sadly, it will probably be too late for me and them.

I pray for him. I often feel like I hate him. I don't ..I know I don't. I just hate our situation. Watching my babies suffer makes me a person I don't even know sometimes. But, I am working on that .. for them... for me. 

I have no answers for my kids. My ex knew long before he left that he was leaving.

He left the scene of the accident WAY before it happened.

It wasn't fair. We were just plopped there to deal with it all alone. 

I struggle with my own emotions while helping them with theirs. I am also the sole provider for every single need. 

He expects grace for his actions but, doesn't give me any. He doesn't realize what he has done when he made me a single mom. The struggles we face as a family now. The way our children suffer and how their dreams are going to be SO much harder to obtain. 

Not to mention the things taken from them. 

No, he doesn't seem to care. He has removed himself emotionally and physically.

And, that isn't fair to them , me , or himself. We are ALL missing out. All of our lives have been ruined and, for no reason!

Many scriptures say what a blessing family, wife , children are.

I guess because I believe that, it is harder for me to accept?