Blame

Blame is UGLY... I mean really ugly. I can see where blame has played a huge hand in the demise of my marriage.
For years I blamed my husband for his actions. And, while yes he was very much responsible for the things he did. My reactions are all my blame.
My husbands affair happened 2 years after we married. It took six years for it to come to light. While the affair didn't last that long (it didn't even last a month) .. it took six years for it to come finally come out.
I know (now) when this took place... Soon after my second child was born and my marriage was only 2 years old , my husband told me that he didn't think he wanted the family life anymore.
As a mom of a newborn and a 16 month old and a pending surgery.. It was an emotional time. But, never once did another woman cross my mind. I was sure it was the stress of marrying me after only knowing me for 8 months and having two babies before our second anniversary
After a month or two of me begging my husband to not leave us.. to stay with us and keep our family whole.. he agreed. We moved and life went on. But, he changed.
I always told him "you changed after *our second child* was born".  I could see it in pictures. He stopped smiling. He seemed distant and the man I married was gone. Just.Like.That.
It wasn't until 6 years later that I realized why he had turned into the man I didn't know. Carrying a secret like that HAS to be hard. I can't imagine living a lie and day after day having to look at me.. his wife , who loved you and trusted him  knowing what he had done to me. He knew the Revelation of his affair would kill a part of me (and it did) .
 I can imagine that looking at our kids in the eyes day after day knowing that one day, his  actions could change their life forever was hard, REALLY hard.I now understand why he stopped smiling. Why he blamed me for his unhappiness... I mean, it was easy to blame me. Every wrong move I made justified his actions.Perhaps, made him feel less guilty.
See , I know these feelings because I too had them.
When I learned of the affair I was more than devastated. I can't even accurately describe what I felt. My stomach still aches when I think on those first few days, weeks, months.
But, it wasn't long before I was playing the blame game. Suddenly , I was discontent.... Suddenly I wanted my husband to be someone he was not.
I wanted a fairy tale... I mean, I deserved it right? After everything that I had been put through I deserved to be a PRINCESS. And, everyone I talked to agreed! So see, I was right! But,I wasn't.
Before the affair I was perfectly content with the fact that my husband wasn't this hugely romantic guy. He had his moments for sure .. he did some really sweet things but, he wasn't a guy out of the movies. And, I was ok with that until, I was discontent.
I would sit around and think of things that he should do and when he didn't do it.. I would get angry. We would then fight.
Mind you, I never told him my expectations.. oh no, I had too much pride for that.. instead, I would DEMAND he get out his crystal ball and just KNOW what I wanted.
A couple examples of this would be the movie Fireproof.
I remember him and I snuggled in our bed to watch it for the first time. I started crying instantly. I could really relate to so much of the movie and the entire movie I pictured after it was over my husband turning to me and saying "I am so sorry. .. I love you". Instead, he was quiet. I was FURIOUS. His being quiet was probably him feeling badly. Or, even trying to think of something to say.. I don't know and never will because, I acted like a jerk! I yelled, I called him names.. I was SO angry that he didn't respond how I thought he should. How dare I?
Another example is our 10 year wedding anniversary. I expected GRAND gestures. See I went online. I saw that a Ten Year Anniversary was aluminum and diamond. I bought him an aluminum gun case for his gun... Why shouldn't I have expected a diamond?  It wasn't enough that he bought me a DVD that I loved and a CD I had wanted or that we were going away for the weekend just the two of us. Let's not mention that the week prior he bought me a new (to me) car... Nope.. none of that was good enough. I had what he SHOULD have done in my head and when he didn't deliver.. I was mad. Looking back I can see what a spoiled BRAT I was. But, I did, I blamed him for not being what I expected.
The things he did were sweet. And, slightly out of character for him (as I said, he wasn't overly romantic)... Instead of seeing what he DID do.. I saw what he didn't. I can imagine that left him feeling pretty horribly.
I blamed him for not being what I expected. But, isn't there disappointment in every relationship? I am sure that I disappointed him.. and while I don't say that I deserved his affair in ANY way.. I am no peach to live with.. especially the last four years of our  marriage.
Loving yourself is important. It is hard to have a relationship with someone when you don't love yourself. I can honestly say I hadn't loved myself for a long time. That, I let what he did validate all the bad feelings I had had about myself. That, wasn't his problem ( I now see) but mine.
It doesn't matter what someone else does, you can not let someone steal your joy or self worth.
My husband didn't force me to sit around day after day reminding myself of what a worthless person I was. And, with the way I acted.. I can plainly see why he stopped trying to prove otherwise. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. I took everything he did as a personal attack.
He worked hard for our family. Something I didn't show him how much I appreciated enough. He worked hard and allowed me to stay at home with our children. It was my dream. He fulfilled it.
Instead of being outwardly thankful. I complained often of his hours. He was gone... a lot. I took it personally. It was hard. Yes, afternoons are hard on a marriage.. and  REALLY hard on a marriage on the rocks. But, he was working at a hard job , long hours so I could stay home. I would SAY I was thankful yet, I would show differently. I would complain about his being gone all the time.
I would constantly tell him he NEEDED a new job with better hours. I was a mess. I can imagine it got to a point he was thankful for his hours.. that he was thankful for the time he was away. At least he wasn't hearing me.
Once he went on midnights to please me. He got Mono from being so run down. I was SO upset he was going back to afternoons. I am not sure if I expressed that time or not but, even if I hadn't my heart about it was ugly and I am sure that it seeped into our daily lives.

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For so long I blamed my husband for his actions. I was so filled with grief and pain that I didn't see my own blame. One thing I am thankful for in this divorce is the fact that I am no longer blinded by the pain, blame and grief. That since I have been able to let it go (the affair) , I am able to see what I had done wrong too. I am sad it is too late. I am sad that I didn't come to these realizations when I kept SAYING I wanted to work things out but was acting differently. I am sad that my kids had to suffer so greatly for me to finally realize it. That neither of us realized what was happening before they had to go through any of this. 

But, I am thankful that I know. Thankful for the reflections I have made and the ability to change these things in me!

Life isn't a fairy tale. Life isn't a romance novel. The danger in these types of things is... that isn't reality. We set standards based on these things. 

My husband didn't show me love with roses and cards every day .. but, with his willingness to work and sacrifice for our family. 

The mental torture he placed on himself for 6 years proves he wasn't proud of what he had done. His keeping it from me (tho at the time I thought differently) was to protect me. Was to prevent a part of me from dying. These were grand gestures. Acts of true love.

If you have these things in your mate but , you think you need more. I encourage you to look deep inside of you. To see where you could improve. To see where you can change.

And, most importantly. Look for the ways your husband shows you true love. 

And .. be thankful for it. Truly thankful for it!

The saying is true. You don't know what you have till it's gone!