This is not because I am lazy (tho I am) or because I don't like sparkling clean bathroom (because I do)... It is because being alone in the quiet ... my mind wanders.
As I was cleaning the bathroom this evening (at 8:30 pm because that is when I had the time) I was on my hands and knees cleaning the floor. My last night at my old home popped into my mind.
I am not sure why it landed there. I am not sure I have thought about that night much since I left but, there it was .. as if it were yesterday.
Leaving the home I shared with my husband and my four kids was a bittersweet time. I felt very proud of myself for finding a place for the kids and I to go. After all, when your husband serves you with divorce papers and you have been a stay at home mom most of the marriage, you have zero access to money and, you were living in a home owned by your husbands parents... panic sets in when you wonder where you and your FOUR kids will go.
I knew I couldn't stay in our home. It wasn't ours, it was his parents. It also had a billion memories attached to it. I am sure I couldn't have endured them during this horrible time in my life. The memories about kill me as it is.
Anyway, that last night, I was there cleaning up and packing things. I remember how emotional I felt and how I laid in our bed and wept. I couldn't believe it was the last time I would lay across our bed. It almost didn't seem real and yet, there I was in an empty room that was no longer mine. Laying on a bed that I once shared with the man that I loved and promised to love till death.
It is hard to imagine that we took those vows. That we said the words "for better or for worse" because, when worse came, he gave up. When the worst came... he ran to someone else and then, left.
After he left he never looked back. He has made it clear that he no longer thinks fondly of our family or the unit we once were.
He has made it clear that, his feelings were similar way before he left our home and asked for the divorce. There was no fixing us.. there was no us. There was me clinging.. hoping, wishing. There was me wanting our family and there was him... running for dear life.
I still find myself clinging to him.. to the good memories, as they far out weigh the bad. I still find myself wishing that our family could be whole one day and that we could just wipe the slate clean and raise our beautiful children together.. as it should be.
I still find myself wishing I had been good enough and while I know I am in my head.. my heart still hurts at the thought that he could hate me so much he justified hurting his kids this much.
Then there is guilt. Guilt has a funny way of prolonging the mourning process. I feel guilt for the actions I have taken during and since our marriage has ended.
I also know that I had to grieve this way. That I had to go through at least some of this or, I never would have seen what I have. I wouldn't have seen all the wrong I have done and I wouldn't have known what it was about me I needed to fix. There is plenty that still needs repair and, I am far from perfect. Even stuff I think I fixed will sometimes break again. I am human. It is a process. But, without some of this pain I wouldn't have seen some of the awful in me.
I know that I have decided that the kids and I will always dwell on the good times. Oh, we may think of bad times.. in fact, I cried tonight over the memory of our last night home.. but, for the most part we try and think and talk about the good. It may prolong our process. It may keep us grieving longer but, I would rather it that way. I don't want the kids and I thinking about the bad. What good will it do? Our time together as a family was amazing. We have so many great memories and I am so thankful for them. Our youngest will never remember her dad the way that my oldest will. She was so young when he left that she doesn't know him except for "every other weekend daddy". It is important that the older kids and I instill the good things about him.
When I go to a store and pick up the stuff for his favorite meal.. I will say "daddy used to love when I made this" or, when we go to a place we went as a family "Do you remember when we went there with daddy?" ... I always try and tell them the wonderful stories of when him and I dated because I want them to know that he once loved me so very much.. And, as a result of that love, they are here!
I don't want them to only know his dislike for me. My memories of our family are fond. I have to say that more than missing my husband (which I do) I miss our family.
I am not sure what drives a person to say "it doesn't matter the cost, what it is doing to my children, I am done , done, done".... But, I wish that he and the people that aided him and talked him into it would have thought about what this was and is doing to kids who didn't ask for it.. who have cried every day since and who, even still tonight draw pictures of our family as they wish it were. Their mom, dad, sisters and brothers...
Here is my old bedroom. It wasn't much but it was mine... ours!
I can't believe how thinking about it had messed with me emotionally. I am sure it isn't the last time something so little will creep in and steal my joy. But, as I said, I won't push out the memories.. even if they hurt.. a lot.
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