What NOT To Say

(photo credit) 

 When people go through hard times in their lives, they are met with people who say things they think help but, reality is, it doesn't... I have been guilty. I have said things that I thought was  helpful and comforting only to later realize (usually when something similar is said to me  ) that, it was the exact opposite... been there?

My hard time is divorce. It has almost been a year since my husband has left and, I have heard a lot of stuff.. Mostly people trying to be a comfort or an encouragement but, sometimes, it doesn't work out like that!
So I have compiled a list.....

A few things NOT to say to a person who is going through a divorce.

1. I never liked him/her anyway.
      I know that you think you are being nice. I know you are trying to seem supportive and "on her/his side" but, the truth is, this makes the person feel like garbage. Thinking that friends or family didn't like your spouse the entire time you were together makes you  feel badly.. We all want everyone we are with to be liked/loved by family and friends...Saying " I never liked him/her anyway" just makes them  feel even more like a failure. Makes it obvious that they have  "bad taste" and, with all the other things going on.. they don't need that guilt too!

2. You are better off
 This goes along the lines of number 1. People think that they are being nice and supportive but...  Better off? Hmm let's see. I am broke, my kids miss their daddy.. I miss their daddy.... Every single thing in my life is a struggle... tell me again how I am "better off"???

3. He/she will get his/hers
 Again, I know this is said to make the other person feel better but, it doesn't .... at least not me. The thing is, I love  the father of my children. I don't want him to "get his" .. realize what he had?Yes, but never "get his". I don't want awful and horrible this to happen to him. I am sure he thinks I do but, I don't ...He is the man my kids love and looked up to..  in fact, I wish the opposite... at least if he was happy , I would know that this wasn't all for nothing. So, while for a split second we may giggle when you say something like that , the reality is, it makes our heart sink to our gut!!!!

4. You will find someone better
 While this may eventually be true.. while one day we  MAY indeed end up with someone else. It doesn't mean that it is going to be "Better".  Step parents, and that whole situation are, from what I have seen in friends and families divorces are HARD situations. Problems will be there.. just different ones. So, I guess that would have to be determined if those problems are "better' than the ones in your previous marriage. However, at the time ... when someone is going through it, hearing "you will find someone better" doesn't bring comfort to them (at least it never did for me).

5. Why aren't you dating? You should be dating.
Look this one, of ALL of them is the WORST... ok. first of all. Many of us chose NOT to date .. especially in the beginning. Learning to be a mom and dad all alone is pretty intense stuff. Throwing a new relationship in the mix would just complicate things. Not to mention.. going on a date isn't going to make those feelings you have for your (ex) spouse  magically go away.. if that were the case, YES we would all be dating the second our divorce was final.
Also, for those who are ready to date, if they haven't started yet or been asked out, I can imagine it would feel pretty crumby for someone to bring that up, pointing out the fact that said person has NOT yet started dating ... This could leave a person  feeling pretty low and more rejected... just something that shouldn't be said... period. Good to let  THEM bring it up .... not you. Got it? :)

6. You need to get over him/her
  Don't you think , if it were THAT easy, we would sell our secret and get rich?? It is something that takes time. How much time? That varies.... And, it could be that you THINK you are over him/her and then you have a set back. Trying to get over your spouse when you didn't want to in the first place is HARD.. you don't need people badgering you and making you feel badly that you haven't got over it as fast as they think that you should.

7.  He/she has moved on, so should you
 THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS... yes, we are aware that he/she has moved on and, it feels great so thank you SO much for bringing that back up so it can put that lump back in my throat and tears stream down my eyes .. AGAIN. NO, NO, NO... don't say it... ever... refer to #5

8. You were too good for him/her
  Alright, if I was too good them why did he/she dump ME? Yah, not helpful at ALL to say. It may be true in some cases but, hearing it while going through a divorce is NOT helpful.. just makes the person you are saying it to feel worse!

9. Crying again?
 Ok, know this. We can't help it. I can be fine for a month straight and not cry and then, cry every day for a week. Crying isn't weakness.. I think anyone going though an unwanted divorce proves they aren't "weak" it's hard...  And, we don't WANT to cry.. trust me.. especially after a good month.. so, just listen, comfort ... if you will be annoyed by the crying or become abrasive... don't answer or let them go quickly. Being "tough" doesn't help matters... even tho you may think it does!


Really the list could go on .. and again, I KNOW that no one says these things with the intentions of hurting the person they are saying it to.. but, these things are hurtful. Intentionally or not.

Some things you CAN say to a person going through a difficult divorce...

1. I am praying for you
 This is such an excellent source of comfort. It is nice to hear .. so say it and, do it!

2. Compliment them
 Say they look great even if they look like they always have and nothing has changed. I am not saying to lie. Not at all. I am just saying that you should try and compliment someone going through a divorce .. "nice shirt , is that new?" " That hairstyle looks great on you"  ... anything ... not that we need our ego fed constantly but, hearing kind words every so often is more helpful than you know!

3. Wanna come over?
 This is so helpful. A lot of times, especially in the beginning when the kids are gone, you can feel pretty lonely. It is nice to be occupied and keep your mind off of things!

4. You are doing a great job
 This one helps.. especially on the days when we feel like we can't do it anymore. There are days like this. We all have them divorced or not... So,  think about feeling that way without your spouse to turn to or a spouse to say "hey I need a minute" and take a breather..

5. If you need anything...
 If people are like me, they don't like to ask for help. I am one of those that doesn't want to burden friends and family. Hearing the words "if you need anything..." are very comforting even if I don't ever take you up on it. It does make me feel that if I DID have to take you up on it, you are willing and that is extremely helpful

6. It will get better
 It is hard for us to see the sunshine through all of the rain sometimes. So, hearing it will get better helps! Especially if you have been through it.

 People going through divorce aren't glass china.. But we are a little fragile. After all our dreams have been shattered, our realities have been shaken and, never mind all of our emotional needs... we are dealing with the heartbreak our kids are dealing with. Their dreams also have been shattered... on top of all of our personal stuff.. we have our kids emotional needs to maintain... so, be careful next time you are trying to help... we will all "get there" eventually. We will  all "get over it, move on, find better, date, stop crying ect ect" one day... until then, until we are ready, just listen to us and pray for us and especially our children!