Been A Bit

I have started a new blog post SO many times. At least 5 times. I have had a hard time writing what I was feeling.
I like to be real.. the purpose for this blog (now)  is to get my feelings out and, to maybe help others. But, what I was feeling was shameful ... It was hard to admit to myself , let alone others.
I had a hard time stomaching myself for having such feelings about a God who has done so much for me but, as much as I tried, I couldn't will those feelings away..

Slowly tho, the pain from my feelings got to be too much. I could no longer keep it in and, as I revealed it to friends and family.. I realized I wasn't such an awful human. In fact, I wasn't even the first person to feel it. Tho, before sharing I sure felt it.

See, I was feeling very much let down by God. I know, it is awful to read isn't it?I will give you a minute to gasp... But,  Imagine how awful it is to feel!
I still loved God. I still believed but, I felt let down.
I couldn't wrap my brain around why all of this is happening to my kids and I. I couldn't understand that while I wasn't perfect in my marriage (oh boy , far from it) I loved my husband and my family and intended to keep my commitment to my husband and God despite what had been done to me.
I felt upset that not only did I live the last three years of my marriage in intense emotional pain  due to betrayal...  And, I was trying to get through it, best I could as I knew my kids and God would want that.. Still... he walked out...
I was hurt that I wanted my family whole. I wanted my kids to KNOW their dad.. not just every other weekend with the occasional phone call. I wanted the memories to continue and I wanted to feel the security that I once had.. But, it was gone.
That, despite all that had happened... I begged for my marriage to be worked on. I was desperate for divorce not to be an option. I wasn't in control of that tho. And,often, in the beginning I would daydream of him realizing what this was going to do to our children and us and decide that therapy and a little hard work would be much better... He never did... In fact, he has worked very hard to hate me.
I was upset and hurt that I had been through so much the 3 previous years and then.. BOOM another bomb. I didn't want the pain for my kids or myself. I wanted us to be happy. I wanted joy not struggles and I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that I wanted our family together for the right reasons yet, it wasn't so.
I was hurt that me and my kids lost so much family (his family) when it all came down... Oh my kids still see them from time to time but, they have missed them being an active part of their lives and, honestly, as hurt as I am, I have too!

I know, there are millions of people who have it worse than I do. Millions of people in physical and emotional pain.. but, sometimes .. when it is your pain ,it is hard to see past it. Oh I can mask it. I can put on a happy face but, there is always SOMETHING to remind me.

Like, yesterday while driving my 8 year old was telling me about visiting his dad...I always encourage them to "have so much fun with daddy"  when they go but,  he said that his dad doesn't ever seem happy at all. He then said "I think that daddy thought that divorce was going to make him happy, but he realizes it didn't. He is not ever happy anymore. At least when he was married to you, he still laughed and smiled once in a while." Statements like this, no matter how often they come, will knock the wind out of my sails! Statements like that will make me realize how grown up my  sweet innocent little kids have become since the divorce.
Those are some powerful words from an 8 year old and, I can't say it is true or not but, sad none the less that this  is his observation. 8 Year olds should be playing catch with their dads... fishing, hunting all the stuff that dads and their sons do. Not worrying about their dads happiness!
Or when they tell me that they don't want to live in our house , they want to go home (my ex lives in the home we lived in as a family) and all of us live together.
Or when my son prays for the food at dinner and then asks if he can re-pray.. adding at the end "and please let mommy and daddy get back together"
I don't have answers for my kids and, we are seeing someone to help them talk things through. As, I have to be careful what to say and not say to them and, all the while try and be strong myself.
I assume that like me, they are going through their grieving process.
And it is quiet a process I must say...

This process takes time and, it is different for everyone. Also, sometimes the stages overlap or, you can completely relapse and go back to a stage you already have over come.

In my process.. I am defiantly in the depression part. Now, I know that a lot of Christians don't believe in depression. And, I disagree..... I agree that we can't let our depression over us and waste away in it. I am not in a black room refusing to eat , or enjoy life. I am not wearing dark clothes and shutting out the word... But,  it is VERY real. 

David wept often. I would assume if he was seeing a therapist today, they would have labeled him depressed and would try and put him on medication. While I don't believe I am in need of medication. I am sad over our loss. 12 years of memories are hard to forget. Watching 4 AMAZING kids suffer is hard to bear at times... (or is it bare.... regardless).

Finding out that the man I married and built up in my mind .. wasn't that man at all. In fact, someone completely different. 

Then there is single parenting. It is HARD.. harder than I ever imagined. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my kids and I am so thankful to be their mom.... but, it is hard. 

Some days I feel like I am on auto pilot and some days... I feel like throwing in the towel but, I am thankful to have them even in the tough times! They really are my world and, I would crawl on my knuckles 1334 miles to do what I could for them. Sometimes, I don't deserve them. Sometimes, they can be stronger than me.. but, we are definitely a family. We are there for each other through good, bad , ugly , tears, fears and laughter. I wouldn't trade this relationship with them for anything on this planet... 

Anyway.. I was feeling let down by God but, talking to people who love me and whom I trust ... helped to start to push that feeling away. 

I am in the depression stage of my grief but, the beauty is that is... I am almost near the end.. Acceptance. YAY , and I can see some of that creeping in daily. 

God is good and one day , this year will be but a drop in a bucket. One day, my kids will feel better as will I.