A WHOLE year

Monday was the one year anniversary of my husband leaving.

My husband had left before. The sad reality of it all is that , we never had a great marriage from the start. He decided early on I wasn't the one for him but, he felt stuck and so, as a result we had a LOT of friction in our marriage.

The last three years of our marriage were especially trying and, he had left several times in that time period. Always tho, always he came back.

We would see how stupid we were being, we would see that we didn't want our kids to live the divorced life and one of us would let go of our pride and beg the other and ... so was  the cycle.

It wasn't healthy.. far from it. We had some SERIOUS issues in our marriage that needed to be worked on that, never got the attention they deserved. I had a hard time functioning half of the time because I was shattered. Down to my very core.

I felt that I wasn't getting the support that I needed to get through the devastating time I was facing. I am sure, that he didn't feel his needs were being met and, If I am honest, since he was the cause of my pain, I didn't care if his needs were being met... A year later, standing on the sidelines tho , I can see how that could have and should have been handled differently but , as I said, I was broken. I wasn't even able to meet my own needs... much less his. The kids, that is all I thought/cared about.

Anyway , he always came back but, when he left ... This time tho, I felt it was different.

And, it was.

That night he called his parents into our fight and, it was the last time I had seen them.

That night, I realized he had been taking things from our garage over a period of time. He had this planned. He knew he wanted this and so.. it was.

That night, things were said that shouldn't have been and altho I have personally apologized... those apologizes never were accepted or returned..

That night, when my husband left our home that we lived in with our four kids... he never came back... at least not as my husband!

A lot has happened in this year. 

The kids and I are living completely different lives than this time last year. In some ways , Things are better. They have their mom back. I have had no choice but to come out of my funk I was in for so long and keep a clear head. I could no longer hide behind my sadness. I learned some things about myself that I needed to change to be a good mom (and a good wife, tho too late) ... I love myself for the first time in a long time.
Some things are worse. I am angry. It is something I have to check DAILY or it can get out of hand. I am MAD that my kids are being put through something so awful when it really wasn't necessary
The reality is, it really wouldn't have taken much to save things. I wasn't asking for much more than support and love. If he really knew how little it would have taken ... would he have stayed?
I am not sure what made him walk out for that last time. I am not sure why he dismissed all of my attempts to make things better. I am sure that his reasons (at least to him) are good ones. I have a hard time understanding and so, there is anger.
Most people don't know my anger. I have to hide it from my kids when it does creep in.. I hide it  from them  till it passes, it is the least I can do.
It is crazy to believe that 367 days have passed since my marriage ended (tho reality is, it ended a long time before that). It is crazy to think of how different life is and how, even after all of this time the memories are still so fresh, so vivid and, there is a memory in nearly every part of life.
I made chili the other day. I was never the chili maker in our family. My  husband  ex was the one who made it when we had it.. He made AMAZING chili actually. As I was making it, I thought of him and his yummy chili. I thought about how around Christmas last year before the divorce was final ,how him , the kids and I went to the store together and we got the stuff for chili. He made it for his house and mine ... It was one of the nicer moments since the separation.
The kids remembered too. Kaleb reminded  me how "Daddy makes the best chili." I couldn't disagree, his is better.
This weekend we were up in the Port Huron/Marysville area. We were driving and as I was looking out the window it was like a punch in the gut, I realized where we were. We were in front of the Inn that my ex and I would go and visit when we went out on "date nights" We loved to look around inside and soak up the beautiful history inside. We would also walk around the water and watch boats and such drive by. We loved going there. It was free and it was beautiful and I loved our time alone there.
As we drove by tho, tears filled my eyes as I realized that it was shut down. The weeds were over taking the beautiful landscaping that once occupied the front of the Inn. The place looked like a wreck and it sort of was symbolic of my relationship with my ex. Our marriage is over yes, but our relationship the past few months is a total wreck.
I am not sure where his hate and anger come from. But, he sure does hate me. Friends have their theories... some say that he loves me and is trying to force himself to hate me.. others say he is dating someone else and he is trying to prove he is over me... some say that he has guilt over what has happened and he can't handle it.. As for me ? I am not sure what to think. I know that I have NOT been the best/model ex wife. Far from it. I do tho, have a desire for us to get along for no other reason than the kids... I am the type that can get into a disagreement about something and the next day be over and press on like it never happened. It is just my personality.

I was asked the question twice this weekend.....
"If he wanted you back, would you go back to him?"
Both times the question came (separately without the other one knowing)  from Godly men that I respect. These men knew my husband .. One having met him a few times and the other, our entire life together. He was even  an usher in our wedding! They were friends at one point!
Both times, it took me off guard.. both times I stumbled in my answer. I hadn't thought about it.
Not since I wrote him a 5 page letter asking him to work on things even if there was ONE shred of feelings left for me... he responded with "Nothing you could ever say would convince me to take you back" .... I then, stopped hoping every time my phone rang, or a text came in that it was him..
But, the short answer? Yes. I would. My biggest reasons would be God and my kids.
I know that God would want us to be together and I KNOW my kids would too.
The long answer tho?  Well, that would be "yes, BUT...."  Things would need to change. We could NOT go back to that toxic relationship we were once in. We could never be the husband and wife we once were. We would have to be completely different. I know I am. I know he is but.... would we be together?
That is a question that will probably  never be answered. I know that he doesn't want me back and even if he did, I know him enough to know that he has his pride... that would prevent him from moving even if he wanted to.
That is not to say that God couldn't change things. I know that He could. It is not to say that God couldn't change his heart as I type this... I am praying for Gods will. Regardless of what that is. I am also praying for  contentment in whatever path God has for me and the kids.
I am not the most patient person. It is hard for me to feel contentment with so much going on around me. Life is passing by and I haven't had a chance to breathe.
But, God has supplied all of our needs and then some! God has taken care of me and the kids and, husband or not... I have His promises to cling to.
As a friend of mine said in a previous post "God mends broken hearts" and, I am looking forward to the mending of mine, and my kids broken hearts!
I will forever mourn my family being broken. A family is all I ever wanted even as a small kid. I loved being a wife and a mother. I am sure that I didn't always convey that. I am SURE that I didn't always seem grateful for the ability to stay home with my beautiful children every day.. to know what a blessing that was... I know I felt it.. but, I am sure I didn't always seem that way.
Now, that that is taken from me.. I really see how I could have acted like it a little more. How I could have shown it more and the ways I could have .... "learning lessons" isn't always much fun... But, I am thankful for them, despite the pain they cause!