Going Public and other ramblings..

It was hard for me to finally go "public" with my divorce.
 By "Going Public" I mean on my blog. I haven't made any BIG annoumcent on Facebook or sent out any mass texts. There are still those occasional messages that come in "How are you and *insert my ex's name here*" or " You and *insert ex's  name here* want to come over" .... now these are obviously people that I don't talk to on a regular basis for, if they were, they would know but, it is then, personally and privately I tell them that our marriage has dissolved.

See, I have this UGLY thing inside of me called pride. I didn't want to admit to people  that I failed. Admitting this to people who were close to me was hard enough.

I wasn't ready or able to tell the world that I was now a single mom to 4 kids. That, despite my efforts (not always best efforts mind you) ... I couldn't convince my husband to love me. I couldn't convince him that I was worthy of working for.

Even typing that hurts. NO ONE wants to feel rejection. And rejection from your husband is the worst kind.

Going public was hard, tho not as hard as going through the divorce itself but, hard still. I  have learned  that it can be helpful for me and , maybe a reader.... I like reading things and knowing that I am not alone. That my feelings are not that of some crazy woman but, very normal (or maybe normal for a crazy person ... ha). 

Also, my story has helped two of my friends who were in a horrible time in thier marriage and on the brink of possible divorce,  try even harder. See, they saw what divorce does and they don't want it. Not that I want to suffer for their sake. No offense to them.  I love them each dearly. However, I would much rather my marriage be in tact.. But, if my marriage did have to end, I am glad that it has helped them decide that their family was/is worth the fight. I am not saying it was me alone. No, I am not THAT prideful (lol) but, I am saying that seeing what we have gone through was enough to give them a nudge in the other direction. So, there are my reasons. For me, and for someone reading this. You perhaps?

Anyway... as I said I am thankful that my friends didn't let their marriage break. I am happy that they are working hard to keep their marriage in tact. It is hard work. Especially if something awful happens in your marriage. 

It is hard to recover from horrible things that can happen but, it isn't impossible. My friends are living proof.

Look, the reality is.. you have to work hard either way. Either therapy, learning to love (again or truly) , forgive, work together, communicate... ect ect.

Or, option two is... being alone, struggling, broke all while doing the above. 

I mean,  even if your marriage ends, you have to learn to love that person again (especially if kids are involved ) because you do get to a point where you  hurt so badly that you feel as tho you don't love them anymore.

You can hurt so bad that you have a hard time dealing with forgiving them. So, you also have to work at forgiveness.. 

And, because of all that you can't communicate or work-together. 

This makes for a bigger mess than marriage in trouble. Really, trust me. I know from experience.. 

As much as I didn't want divorce, I was ignorant to the ugliness that it really is. I mean, my parents had this dream divorce. 

It was the only divorce I really had to model what divorce was like. 

Regardless of fault (who broke up the marriage) my parents were able to get along and be friends.

My mom would call my dad if she had car trouble and he would help. They would call each other with issues with us kids and discuss it together because, they were parents... TOGETHER.

Nothing was done without the other one involved and, so, that is what my vision of divorce was.

I simply didn't want divorce because, well one, I loved my husband, two I didn't want to be away from my kids EVER .Three I knew God would want us to be together. And four, I wanted our kids to have the best. I wanted them to have their family in tact no matter what the cost. I wanted them to have their vacations, their memories.. I didn't want those ripped from them. See, I Had an awesome childhood and divorce didn't enter into my home until I was 15. I had all those memories and, I wanted them to have those too.

A for instance is that the Airforce had an airshow this year. It is something that every two years our family would wait on pins and needles for. 

Our boys would gear up in their fatigues and we would head out where they would ooh and ahh over all of the Jets and be in awe of the military men and woman. 

They would take their time and go in and inspect each plane and jet checking out each and every detail with their dad.. while me and the girls would sit back and enjoy watching them and the show! It really was one of our favorite times as a family.

However, this year, I had to take the kids alone. We were so geeked up to go and we weren't there five minutes when one of my kids said "This doesn't feel right, dad's not here". Blah, harsh reality is.. no matter how much I try and re-create traditions or, make sure they don't miss out on memories. Things aren't the same.

We weren't there long. Only a couple of hours.. The boys were thankful that they were there but, they let me know that it wasn't the same as being with their dad and, I wasn't offended. I know NOTHING about that stuff and, even tho I tried REALLY hard to understand the things they were telling me .. I couldn't, I am not their dad, things were not the same. 

It is sad to me to think of how little would have had to be done for our marriage to be repaired. How little effort he would have had to put in for me to feel better about my devastation.

On the same token, I could have been more forgiving. Tried to be more understanding instead of constantly saying and thinking ..."HOW COULD YOU?"

I could have been more mindful of the fact that he is a sinner.. same as I, same as you.

In fact, I STILL need to work on that. Daily. Some days are better than others. The reality of what I am going through and the struggles I have and will face sometimes smack me across the face at the speed of a freight train. It is those times that I am more likely to lash out.. to feel sorry for myself. 

It is those times that I need to learn to keep my anger, my bitterness, my self-pity in check... It isn't easy when you are hurt... I know.. but for me, it is a must. I must learn and keep trying...

Anyway.. I do hope that if your grass is dying or your light bulb is blown that you will take the time to water your OWN grass, change your light bulb instead of buying a new house.

It will be worth it.. if you BOTH want it to happen!