Failure

SO many times during the past year I have heard things like "I am so proud of you" "Look at what you have accomplished by yourself" And, for every time I heard those words (and the like) .. I have winced.
See, I didn't feel proud of myself. I felt like saying "how can you say that? I didn't do this willingly, or with a glad heart, I did it because I HAD to, I had NO choice, don't be proud of me" ... I hated it. I couldn't put my finger on these feelings. Why after what I have accomplished could I not say to myself "Kristy, regardless of WHY you did it, you did it".
I would even say it to people. I would act as tho I was proud of myself but, I wasn't..
Then, I was with my friend Mark at work on Saturday. We had a long drive to a wedding we were catering and we were talking. We were talking about my going to school. I was supposed to start this month and he was one of my biggest encourager's when I finally decided on what I was going to go for.
I was down on myself because I couldn't afford school this semester . See, what I am going to school for is not covered by finical aide or grants. I have to pay out of pocket.
Mark said to me ... "Kristy, you have done so much, you should be so proud of yourself. You have had a lot happen to you and look what you have accomplished."
Instantly I got that same feeling I always get when someone says something like that to me but, for some reason I started to question WHY I felt that way. See Mark is a younger (like 13 years younger, I won't say his age because then you would know how old I am lol)  and single guy. The fact that he wasn't an older man or a married man... that fact that he wasn't related, or someone who has known me for years,  made me think.. if HE sees it, why can't I?

Two days later I was still thinking about it.. why can't I see it?
THEN.. it hit me...

Failure! I couldn't see past my failure to see my success. I know, I know, I have heard it ten thousand times since my husband left ... That is wasn't ME who failed, it was HIM. He left,  he did the things that damaged our marriage.. Ok, yes, it is very easy for an outsider to see and, if my friend were in my situation I would say and think the same thing about her but, being in it, it is hard not to see my faults. The things that I did to contribute.

No, I didn't "deserve" what I got for my faults in my marriage. Nothing justifies that.. I can say that whole-heartily.

I know I did not deserve it but, I did do wrong and, as a result my husband rejected me. Failure.

Even after asking BEGGING him to work on our marriage even after all that he had done... he refused..Failure... I couldn't make him love me for whatever reason... FAILURE. I couldn't get him to take me back ... Failure...

I couldn't see past it. Every time I looked at my kids it was all I could see. Our broken family was a result in failure ... 

 So, when people were saying how proud they were of me, I couldn't understand how they could think that with what I had done ... Failed.

But, Despite my failure. Despite my wrongs (and oh there are many...then and now). I am going to purpose it in my heart to see my success too. 

Not in a prideful ugly way... but in a "You can and ARE doing it!" way.

When people tell me they are proud of me from now on, I am going to see what they see. I am not saying that the failing feeling won't  creep back in from time to time but, I am going to push that thought out!

I have accomplished more than I ever thought I could possibly do. I have done things that I never thought I could do on my own. I was pretty sure I may just crumble and die when my husband left but..I didn't by the Grace of God and my awesome kids and family I didn't. Yah, I didn't do it always with a happy heart. I did it because I had to but, the fact is I DID IT... regardless of why.