Traditions

I am not quite sure who Eda Marchman is but, I do love tradition. 

Even as a very small child, I loved and appreciated the traditions we had as a family.

For instance, Christmas... Christmas for me as a kid was FULL of traditions.

I could map out each of our Christmases almost by the minute and I love each and every bit of it.

Tradition was important to me when I had my own kids. We developed, over the years, many traditions with our families and our own little family.

Traditions are GREAT until they aren't . When things change, so do traditions and, they are never the same again.

An example of this was when I was a kid, we always went with my moms side of the family to a place called Belle Isle every Christmas morning. I looked forward to this from the minute we got home Christmas morning until we went back again Christmas morning the following year. I loved it.

But, then my grandma died and the tradition started to fizzle... then, my parents divorced and we went one last time (and it wasn't the same) and, that tradition was laid to rest!

Since we split up, my ex and I tried hard to keep traditions as normal as possible. At Christmas, he came here and decorated the tree , had hot chocolate and ate our special dinner with us. It was important to me that the kids have that tradition as we have done it since they were born.

Things have changed.. we aren't as civil as we once were.

Yesterday I took the kids to a festival near us. We go every year. We have since Anna was only 1. 

We have the best memories from this festival and we look forward to it year after year.

On the way there I got a little emotional thinking about doing yet another family thing as a broken family. But, the buzzing in the backseats of the kids so excited about their night quickly got me over it.

Once there, we saw some family .. this is my ex's family who have extended their hand to me and let me know they love me despite the fact I am no longer married in. How much I appreciate this can not be expressed. These are two very beautiful people whom I am proud to know.

Anyway, after I got over the emotional hump of that... it was off to the rides. It was so much fun watching them laugh belly laughs on the bumper cars and experience new rides for their first times that last year, they were too leery of. 

Then, Gabe said it. "Mom, keep feeling like I am missing something and then I realize I am, it's dad"

Ugh, the words punched me in the gut and for fear of crying right in front of him.. I smiled as big as I could and said "I know buddy, we all do"

The fact is that no matter  his and mine current status ... it is times like that, that we all miss the the dynamics of our family being what they were. 

We went on to have more fun and Gabes statement kept creeping back into my head and then, he said it again.. this time, while standing and watching a ride 'I miss dad"... Again, I told him "I know pal"  and I put my arm around him. We were in the middle of a festival, one we look forward to year after year. I didn't want to be sad, I didn't want HIM to be sad. I can't change our circumstances. I have tried.. a billion times. All I could do was comfort him and try and get him back to having fun.

The night went on. We rode ride after ride (well they did, I watched mostly) . I thought that perhaps he was over it because he was laughing and having such a great time..and then, he got off of a ride, came to me with tears in his eyes , wrapped his arms around my waist and said "mom, I wish daddy was here" .. I comforted him, and rushed him on another ride because, at this point the lump was there, my eyes were full and there was NO way I was going to be able to hold them back this time.

When they were on the ride I sat on the bench and watched them .. just as him and I had for the past 10 years. The tears fell out no matter how hard I tried to keep them in and, as I waved as they went around and smiled and wiped the tears away as they were out of sight. 

I know that this is all normal. I know that all divorced parents to through the same things. But, as I stated before this is all new to me. This is all foreign to me. 

My ex was the best dad I could have asked for for my kids. He had his faults, as do I , but he was so loving and caring and everything we did was "family oriented". It is hard to come to terms with the fact that he is barely here now. The phone calls have become non existent and, his visits are nil. 

They miss him. This morning it was just me awake. Abs woke up , came to me crying "What's wrong pumpkin?" ... her reply "I want daddy" .. I gave her the option to call, that is all I can offer. She declined. She doesn't want a phone daddy. She wants her daddys hugs when she needs them and, even tho I kiss and hug them and tell them I love them all day every day... it is not the same as getting a hug from dad when it is needed.. 

Yes, traditions are great..except when they aren't! Tweaking them isn't much fun.