Being the Victim

It is very easy for the one who didn't want the marriage to end, to play the victim roll. In a lot of ways, yes , you are a victim... It is awful when someone leaves that you didn't want to go. It is awful becoming a single parent when you aren't used to that. It is awful not having someone "there" when you need them...
It is easy ( so so so easy) to get on your "I am not the one that wrecked our marriage" high horse and look down on the one who left. It is easy to see their faults and feel sorry for yourself for the pain and suffering inflicted at the *hands* of someone else.
It is easy to be angry and bitter (trust me, I deal with these feelings daily).
But, the reality is , your ex is no more of a fleshly sinner than you.
Yes, they may have ended your marriage but, does that mean that you didn't do anything to contribute to that? I am not saying that what you had done warrants cheating or leaving but, I am saying are you perfect?
Just because their sin (in your eyes) was bigger than yours.. doesn't mean we can walk around like we are "awesome" and they are trash.
I am not saying that at first, those are not perfectly normal feelings .. ones that maybe you feel validated in having but, you can't stay there.
Staying there will make you an ugly ugly person inside.
What you need to do is pray. Pray for forgiveness for your unwillingness to forgive. Pray for your ex spouse. Pray for your feelings and bitterness and anger DAILY. If I don't I can get stuck in a pretty ugly place.. and once you have got out of that ugly place, and then slip back, it is shameful. Trust me, I am not preaching to anyone but myself here... I need to type that out because it would do me well to do it more!
Hating someone , no matter who they are is not ok. Hating the father/mother of your kids is not only not ok but, a lie.  A lie to yourself, your friends and family. You can not hate someone who you shared the most amazing thing that has could ever happen (a child) to you. Your kids are a part of that person. A part of each of you lives in your child. Hating the mother/father of your kids is like hating a part of your kids.
I am sure that there are times you hate the actions of said person. That, I can see. But, I am sure that for every one thing you hate that they do, they also have things that you do that they hate.
I think the biggest lie that parents Tell themselves is that it is ok that you "hate" each other... it isn't ok. NEVER ok.
I think it is SO important for the kids to see the parents get along. They don't have to be friends, they don't have to hang out or talk on the phone.. but, they should always be civil at least.
Just my thoughts having gone through it and now, with my own kids.
I was fortunate to have zero memories of my parents fighting or things being ugly with them. In fact, my parents attended all of  our birthday parties... (at the same time) ... my parents even now will have dinner with their spouses and exes ... It makes it easier for me.
Does my mom like everything my dad does or my dad like what she does? Probably not... but, it is nice that I can have a birthday party for my kids and I can see them together laughing and joking and having a pleasant time ... and, the best part is, it is not for us (me and my brother) ... at least not anymore, maybe it was when they first got divorced . And, I have to give them major credit even if it is all just for me and my brothers sake. It is pretty awesome that they want to get along for us and their grand kids.
Anyway. Thinking of my four kids having had their birthdays over the summer without their father present was kind of sad to me. I really had thought, maybe naively , that we would be those parents that were cool with each other after divorce.