New Blog.. Going Public

I have been blogging for a long time. In fact, this is my second blog over the years.
I love blogging. I love going back and seeing the fun that the kids and I have had over the years. The memories that have been made together in love.

But, things have changed for me over the past year... and with this change, comes more change. It is pretty much a domino effect.
Almost  a year ago, my husband left. Now, this is the first time I have ever put that out for the public to see. I have kept this in as some secret... perhaps maybe if I didn't say it, it wasn't true? I felt like a failure, I felt ashamed, unwanted... really the list goes on and on.
I felt as tho if I didn't say it out loud I was keeping my dignity in a way. I mean, I am against divorce. I always have been since I went through it as a kid (of 15) myself.
I felt confident that our family (not my marriage) was strong enough to endure all. I was wrong.
Being wrong is a hard pill to swallow but, admitting you are wrong is harder. I admit it. I was wrong. I was prideful when I thought that our family would be in tact for ever no matter what!   We weren't strong enough. I wasn't good enough... but, I am learning that , that's ok.

My husband (yes , I do call him my husband, he was my husband for over 11 years. In my eyes, he is my husband in many ways) has his reasons for leaving. I am sure that they are good reasons (to him). I have to imagine that they are. No one would go from being a very involved dad to only seeing their kids 6 times a month. It has to be hard and so, I am sure that his reasons are good reasons and, I have worked VERY hard (tho I still sometimes fail) and trying to see it that way.
I have learned a few things over the past year.
1. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I have always been an anxious person. I have always relied on people to make me feel safe. I lean on God yes, but I also really relied on Jason for support in many many ways. I can imagine that isn't exactly attractive . But, in this year I have  realized that I didn't really NEED him. I CAN do it alone (well, I am not exactly alone am I? I have the Lord but, you get what I mean) .... I have been doing it. As hard as it is , as much as I don't want to most days.. I AM doing it.
2. I actually LOVE me. This may seem silly to some but, I didn't even like me most of the time the past 3 years especially of my marriage... again I am sure that wasn't a very attractive quality. I had my reasons for these feelings and was justified in many peoples eyes  .. especially my own. but, the reality was, I wasn't . Yes  I was hurting but, I had no reason to be ugly inside... and in turn I felt VERY ugly outside. I appeared to care about me but, I didn't. I felt very alone and lost and while I should have clung to Christ and should have expressed it better to my husband.. I just let it make me ugly. But, I have let that go. I love me. I have had people tell me that they are happy that I am back! I am happy to hear that I am back! A colleague told me that they thought I was a confident person. This person has NO idea how those words ring in my head again and again. I was so thankful to hear that.
I have a lot of work to do ... but , I am on my way and I celebrate every victory!
3. Nothing on this earth is forever. Your world as you know it change at the drop of a dime! Last year at this time we were a family of six... I home schooled, was a stay at home mom and lived in a home that I loved...
Now, I am working, my kids were just enrolled into school and while, I do love my new home ... it is not the home we had as a family. Just like that.. blink of an eye, less than  a year everything has changed.
It is ok, NOTHING takes God by surprise and ALL things work for good to them that Love God ....
Some days I want to sit curled up in my bed and pretend there is no outside world around me. Nothing to remind me of the changes that have taken place in my life.
Other times, I am thankful for the changes and the changes that they have made me make personally.
I am growing. I have bad days, good days.. awful days and awesome days... but, one thing is for sure... my kids keep me going. They are my sunshine in all the rain. They won't let me shrivel up and shun the world.. at least not for long. They require love and interaction and, even if I don't feel like interacting,  I do... for them. Some days I am comforting them while they cry over our changes, sometimes they are comforting me... and a lot of times, we are all  comforting each other.
They have taken what has happened to them better than I could have imagined they would. They are amazing kids and they are my little heroes!
Anyway... all of this to say that the dynamic of this blog has changed. I am no longer blogging about my children on this blog.. at least not in the way that I have in the past. Another thing I learned over this past year is, if you don't want to be a part of our lives then , we can't force you but, you for sure don't deserve a glimpse into our every day life if you don't make an effort to be a part of it!
Instead this blog may or may not turn into writings and ramblings of things that I am feeling ... things that are going on in my head ... an outlet if you will....
For those of you that have steadily followed us on our journey thus far THANK YOU. And, maybe some day I will get back to blogging like we once did... for now.. read if you want... or don't... No promises of all rainbows and sunshine but I do promise it won't all be rain!