Being a Stay at home mom... Again.

Since my children were small, Anna 2 and Gabe 1) I have pretty much stayed home with my children. Before that, I was a school bus driver for a local district. I am aware that society and career minded woman think little of a stay at home mom. In fact, I have heard snide comments and remarks about being one and, raising my daughters to be one (if it is possible) A lot of people think of stay at home moms as uneducated, unsocialized, and lazy. I am also aware of what the Bible says about being a keeper of the home. It is all over the Bible. The most well known passages being in Proverbs and Titus. And for the record, I do not judge woman that go to work and have children.(tho I wish it were the other way around as well) I do not need to explain to other stay at home and homeschooling moms what we do all day. We know how our days are filled. They can lazy do nothing days but, those are truly few and far between. We know all we do. We also do not have to explain what we do to those who do not even want to understand. Defending our decisions to stay home does not help our case, nothing we say is going to change the minds of closed minded men and woman who think what we do is a joke. No need... but let me tell you a little about MY situation.. a little about why I KNOW that my job as a stay at home mom was NO joke.. and why I am going to be a full time stay at home mom... again. About 9 months ago, I HAD to go back to work part time (had some personal things going on that required it). I got a job driving school bus again and thought it to be the PERFECT job for a mom. It is ONLY four hours a day after all and, I am home in the morning before (yah right) the children rise and so I am *really* only gone for the two hours in the afternoon away from them! Well breaking it down, I have 4.5 hour run. I am gone in the morning from about 5 minutes to 6 in the morning until 9:45 am. I come home. There is a house to clean up (four small kids are really messy) they have all awakened by this time and are all hungry. The food gets made, the chores get done, school gets started and then, it is time for my husband to go to work. He leaves for work at 12:30pm. I try with all of my might to get dinner done before he leaves so we as a family can eat together. He leaves for work and it is time for me to get the kids dressed for the day, straighten up AGAIN and wait for the sitter or take them to the sitters depending on what day it is. I then leave about quarter to 2 for my second shift and get home about quarter to 5. SO in reality I am gone for 6.5 hours out of a day for 4.5 hours of pay. (this is a common complaint where I work) I get home from my night shift and it is time to make something else to eat. Here I try and do something more lunchish as, we already ate dinner with daddy. After dinner we get ready.. On Tuesdays we have scouts, Weds we have church and Thursdays we have piano. These days I am at home sitting down with my kids next to NIL My husband likes to see the kids when he gets home so I keep them up. 90% of the time, he texts saying he is on his way home and, I go to bed leaving the kids watching a movie and I am asleep before he gets home from work (it is a 10 minute drive) Him and I are ships in the night. Hardly talking except on the weekends ... We do not see each other enough to do so. And then there is the effect that it has had on my children .... my being gone so much. 1. They are not as well behaved as they once were. That lacks when you are constantly running and insanely tired from about 5 hours a sleep at night. (sometimes six WHOOT) 2. They are doing school online and while the curriculum is great and they are learning .. one of the reasons I chose to homeschool was because I LOVED to sit and teach them and watch them learn. 3. Our life is rush city. We are always going and coming and nothing feels stable to me, I can imagine that it feels the same to them. 4. They miss our old life. They beg me daily (at least almost) to please quit working and come home to be with them again. The list... really could go on and on... but, I won't bore you all with that, you get the point... We had tossed around me trying to stick it out till the end of the year... despite the strain it was putting on us all..after all I wanted to do what was "right" right? But, last friday was my final straw. I decided then, that there was NOTHING that could justify my being gone from my children so much for ONE more day. I received a check for 200 dollars (this is a check that was for during spring break that I did not get paid for) 200 is what I pay the sitter for a 2 week period. hmmm so, I sat down and figured out how much I make in a 2 week period (Not with a check that had a NON paid vacation) I crunched the numbers and after tithes, sitter, gas and cell phone bill... I had less then 15 bucks for 2 weeks. Now, I am not helping to contribute to the household. I am paying for gas that I wouldn't use if I were not working. And A sitter I would not need if I were not working. I am frazzled , I am tired, my kids miss their mommy and life is insane and I am bringing home like 15 bucks for 2 weeks? We made the decision that our family comes FIRST. And, so, I have quit. It was a hard decision as, I feel badly for leaving them. But, my family is important to me. My family is what matters to me and, I believe that this was the Lords way of answering my prayers. I myself am not cut out to be a working mom. I have cried out to him MANY times during these past two months. Before this week, I could always justify why I should stay even tho, my heart wanted to be home. This week it was clear to both me and my husband that it was not meant to be for one more day. There is always more to the story but, this is it all in a nutshell. Working wasn't working for my family. Not for me and my kids and not for my husband and I. I will no longer care one bit when I get a snide comment about me being home with my children (it used to sting and get my back up). I will welcome the snide comments and think quietly to myself "if you only knew how truly amazing it is"