Happy? Anniversary

Today would have been my 12 year anniversary.
It is my first Anniversary since we have been split up.
It is weird that 12 years ago today at this time, my hair was done, my make-up and, likely I was in my beautiful dress.
I had an early wedding. And it was a beautiful day.
I had never been more sure of anything than on that day. I was marrying the most amazing man I had ever met. I was marrying my prince.
I felt beautiful that day. Not many days that I can say that I knew I looked beautiful but, my wedding day I can.
The entire thing went beautifully and I was so proud to be his wife.
A few days ago, I saw some friends I hadn't seen in a while. Actually, we haven't talked since the separation/divorce. They had video taped my wedding and were telling my kids about it.
They were telling them how it was the most beautiful and romantic wedding they had ever attended!
It was nice to hear that 12 years later they thought so but, I could also feeling it in my stomach. Sure, I can plan a beautiful wedding but, I couldn't stay married!
12 years ago there was all this build up to our big day. All of our family and friends were around us.
But, today , is a regular Sunday. We are getting up and getting ready for church.
I love Sundays, don't get me wrong. I love being in church. But, it is weird to think that it is a day I SHOULD be celebrating.
Today at church when they ask "are their any anniversaries" it is going to sting a bit.
I will want to raise my hand.. "IT'S MINE" .... "WOULD HAVE BEEN 12 YEARS" but, I won't. I will look down and pretend I am not there while the song is sung and people are looking around cheerfully looking for the happy couples who are celebrating today (or this week).
I hear the first Anniversary after divorce is the hardest. I am not sure... since this is my first. I am not weepy. I am just... sad. What was such a beautiful day followed by four amazing kids is now, an ordinary day.
Thankful for my children who will be with me to keep my mind off of things.. Thankful for Church family that will be a comfort to me even tho they are unaware.
I am thankful for the Grace that God will give me to get through this "first" as he has done so many firsts in this past year and, will for years to to come.

I think of the words of this song so often now... IT comes to mind when I want to feel sorry for myself and think WHY??

1. Tempted and tried, we’re oft made to wonder
   Why it should be thus all the day long;
   While there are others living about us,
   Never molested, though in the wrong.
   • Refrain:
     Farther along we’ll know more about it,
     Farther along we’ll understand why;
     Cheer up, my brother, live in the sunshine,
     We’ll understand it all by and by.
2. Sometimes I wonder why I must suffer,
   Go in the rain, the cold, and the snow,
   When there are many living in comfort,
   Giving no heed to all I can do.
3. Tempted and tried, how often we question
   Why we must suffer year after year,
   Being accused by those of our loved ones,
   E’en though we’ve walked in God’s holy fear.
4. Often when death has taken our loved ones,
   Leaving our home so lone and so drear,
   Then do we wonder why others prosper,
   Living so wicked year after year.