Postpartum Depression... my struggle

My daughter is a little over 8 weeks old and I still suffer.
Its been a rough road since Abbys birth... her stay in the Nicu.. my own health problems.
The first two weeks with her hospital stay I was a zombie. I went through the motions the best I could. I did what I was supposed to because I HAD to but, I hardly remember any of it.
I was there but, I wasnt "There"
After she was realesed it was a HUGE sigh of relief... she came home and life was magical. I couldnt believe how easy it was to take care of four kids. I couldnt believe how amazing life was.. I couldnt believe that my blues were gone and that I could be SO lucky.
Then, A couple weeks after Abbys being home, the PPD hit me like a ton of bricks.
Suddenly, I felt as tho I wasnt capable of taking care of 4 children... even tho, I had been for over 4 weeks... Suddenly, NOTHING that made me happy before made me happy still.
Suddenly, Panic, anxiety, fear and weepiness CONSUMED me.
I prayed, I read my bible, I cried, I held my children, I hugged my husband, I walked, I took vitamins, I cried, I prayed, I read my bible, I prayed, I read my bible... you get the point.
"What am I doing wrong? Why wont it go away?" I felt guilt... guilt like you wouldnt believe.
Guilt because of "my poor husband who has such a freak for a wife" Guilt for my "poor kids who have a crazy mother" the guilt just never ended.... its something I still struggle with.
I started researching PPD.. it seemed as tho I was so alone. No one I knew in real life had ever struggled with such a thing and while, I have had the "blues" with my other pregnancies.. I had never suffered for this long and this hard.
Researching can both help and stiffle your recovery... on some days, I would walk away from my computer feeling normal "there ARE people like me out there, this WILL end someday" other times, reading extreme cases left me more anxious waiting for the "worst to come".
I have very little support from my family and friends... meaning, they all listen to me cry and boo hoo for the most part but NONE of them understand.
I have had people tell me to "just get over it, be happy" and things like "You cant truely be happy for the things that the Lord has given you if you continue to be this way" One thing I wish that EVERYONE would and could understand is, this is NOT a spiritual matter... its a medical matter...
I have been depressed before, I have things happen in my life that would cause anyone saddness. I know that kind of saddness, I also know that you are able to get yourself out of THAT kind of saddness... this, is chemical, this is something that happens when your hormones are wacko after giving birth... THIS iS NOT A SPIRITUAL PROBLEM.
I can be doing something that brings me so much joy and bust into tears in seconds flat.. My husband gets so angry when he hears of people saying such things... I explain that its ignorance, they just dont know, they are trying to be helpful... but, he sees my struggle, he knows my pain.
He knows that I love my children so intensly and that it is so hard for me to go on day to day crying and carrying on so.
When I am not crying, I am snapping at them for this or that.. Its a hard way to life.
Thankfully the Lord is merciful to me.
I have had SEVERAL good days in a row before a bad day hits.. this has been going on for a week or so now... that is great... I did have three bad days but, again God is good and yesterday was great and today is seemingly great as well.
If it ends up being bad... I will get through the wave and wait for the good to come. WHen I am feeling anxious, when I am feeling sad, I have started to repeat "This to shall pass" over and over in my head.
It is hard in the midst of the storm to see the "island" but, I do know that the Lord will take me to that Island to rest as he did Paul..... Till he does, I will take the storm as it comes.. trying my best to wait it out and rely on him... He is good, He is merciful and through all this, He will be glorified!